


Satan's Good Ole Hometown Cookin'

by Delilah_Noir



Series: Ambrosia [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Animal Death, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Deal with a Devil, Demon Summoning, Demons, For food, Gen, Mild Gore, Repeated Mentions of Goat Virginity, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is Just As Sill As The First One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-22 00:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22106431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delilah_Noir/pseuds/Delilah_Noir
Summary: In which Erenactuallyuses black magic to cook.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Eren Yeager & Original Male Character(s)
Series: Ambrosia [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591231
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	Satan's Good Ole Hometown Cookin'

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a sort of sequel to Ambrosia, set at some ambiguous time in the future after Eren and co. have joined up with the Survey Corps. You don't need to read that first to understand this one, but know that it's just as ridiculous. If not more. 
> 
> I regret _nothing_.

It was almost seven in the evening and there were pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. Levi could hear the fire crackling and faint voices behind the door. Initially, he’d only come to the kitchen for a fresh pot of tea, his having grown cold a while ago, but now he was curious.

He’d heard about Eren Jaeger and his reported miracles in the kitchen and he didn’t believe a word of it. Levi was well aware of how rumors stretched the truth and had no interest in getting involved in all that nonsense. In fact, he was still skeptical even with the evidence right under his nose.

Now he needed to investigate.

Very quietly, he nudges the door open, careful to keep it from creaking. Over the din in the kitchen, it probably wouldn’t be heard, but there’s no need to be careless. He’s caught totally off guard by the sight behind the door.

The kitchen was in total disarray. It looked like some kind of disaster area and Levi was itching to grab a rag and start scrubbing the counters (and the cabinets and the stove and the walls and the _ceiling_ for god’s sake) just _looking_ at it. Biting back the urge, he watched the two cadets inside.

“Alright,” Groans the blonde, Aardvark or Arlert or something, voice strained as he hauls a huge pot. “Where do you need this Eren?”

Jaeger, who stood shirtless in front of one of the counters, looks up from what he’s doing. He was splattered with blood and there were strange marks drawn on his chest. “Over there Armin,” He says, pointing to the fireplace with the knife in his hand. Also bloodstained. “It’ll be stew tonight.”

Arlert groans and hauls the pot to the fireplace, struggling to catch the handle on the hook. “You know,” He gasps, bent with his hands on his knees after stringing up the pot, cauldron really. “I appreciate you doing this and all, but do you _really_ need to use such a big pot?”

“Yep,” Jaeger leans over the side of the counter out of Levi’s sight and grabs a canvas bag. Which is _also_ bloodstained. “We’re feeding a lot of people, and I’m not gonna let them go hungry.” Pulling open the bag, he grabs out a severed goat head and a small jar full of something dark and red. The goat is obviously freshly killed. There’s still blood dripping from its severed neck.

Just what the everloving _fuck_ is going on here?

Arlert just chuckles, not phased by the _severed goat head_. “What did he want this time?”

Jaeger groans, setting aside the head and popping open the jar. “Asshole wanted a virgin sacrifice,” He makes a face as he takes a paintbrush and dips it in the jar. With steady hands, he draws a perfectly shaped pentagram. “A virgin _goat_ sacrifice.”

“What, really!?” Arlert sputters.

“Oh yeah, fucker has weird tastes. Do _not_ get me started on how long it took me to find a virgin _goat_.”

Arlert laughs, like his friend hadn’t just said the most insane fucking thing Levi has _ever_ heard. “You couldn’t just use a baby goat, a kid or whatever?”

“No,” Jaeger scowls. “He said goat so it has to be a full-grown _goat_.” 

“So how did you find one?”

Jaeger’s glower grows darker. “I had to ask the _farmers_.”

Arlert loses it, dropping into a chair as he cackles with laughter. “I think that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up,” Jaeger says, closing the jar and putting the goat head in the center of the pentagram. “ _You’re_ not the one who had to explain why the military needed a _virgin goat_.”

“No,” Arlert laughs. “But I’m also not the one who decided it was a good idea to make a deal with the devil.”

Jaeger rolls his eyes as he wipes his hands on an old rag. “Like you haven’t benefited from it. He’s kept us fed for the past few years.”

“And I appreciate it, really, but I’m not the one who made a deal with the actual devil for food. So I hardly think you can complain Eren.”

“I can complain all I like,” Jaeger grumbles. He drops the _filthy blood-stained rag_ on the counter. (Levi swears he’ll make Jaeger run drills for _days_ after this. Right after he makes him clean the fucking kitchen.) Closing his eyes, Jager takes a deep breath and positions his hands on the pentagram. Then he starts chanting.

Levi doesn’t recognize the words, can’t even place the language, but there’s something inherently… wrong about it. The sound of it makes his skin crawl. After several long minutes of freaky chanting, he moves to stop Jaeger, unable to stand anymore but stops before he even touches the door. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end and his whole body tenses. 

Something crackles through the air and every instinct Levi has is shouting at him _danger! danger! run! run! run!_ It’s only long practice at ignoring it that lets him stay rooted to the spot.

Beside Jaeger, the air swirls, waving as if there’s intense heat just in that spot. Then it _twists_. It makes Levi’s head spin as he watches the air split apart to reveal a hellish red. A well-dressed man steps out of the portal, followed by agonized screams. There’s a pop and suddenly the world is back to normal. The man stands there, straightening his cravat as if he hadn’t just stepped out of thin air.

The stranger looks around the kitchen before his eyes land on Jaeger. His whole body language changes and he darts to the cadet, throwing his arms around Jaeger and smushing his face on top of the boy’s head. 

“Eren!” He squeals.

Jaeger just sighs, patting the man’s arm. “Yes, yes, hello to you too Lucy. Now would you get the hell off me?”

Lucy pouts. “And why would I do that? It’s been _so long_ Eren!”

“I saw you two weeks ago.”

“I _know_ and it’s been _awful!_ ”

Arlert snorts, drawing Lucy’s attention.

“Oh, Armin’s here! Hello Armin!”

The blond gives a small wave. “Hello Lucifer, it’s good to see you again.”

“Armin,” The man sighs, “How many times have I told you to call me Lucy?”

“I lost count sometime last year.”

Lucifer pouts at him for a moment before looking around the room again. “Where’s Mikasa.”

“Out training,” Jager says, extracting himself from Lucifer’s arms. “Didn’t want her starting another fight with you and ruining dinner again.”

“But that’s the fun part!” Whines Lucifer, grabbing at Jaeger as he slips away. The cadet ducks his grasping hands easily, moving back to the counter.

He grabs the goat head and tosses it at Lucifer. “Here.”

The man snatches it out of the air, holding the thing at eye level to examine it. One long, _clawed, what the fuck_ , finger catching a drop of blood just before it falls, and bringing it to his mouth to taste it. Lucifer lets out a startled laugh. “You actually managed it, you brought me a _virgin goat_ sacrifice!”

“No thanks to you.” Jager snorts. “Why did you even need a virgin goat anyway?”

Lucifer just grins, white teeth gleaming. “I didn’t.”

Jager rolls his eyes. “Of course not.” Lucifer laughs and Jaeger huffs an exasperated breath. “Alright, you’ve had your damn laugh. I’ve got what you asked for now give me some food.”

“Is that all I am to you Eren?” He asks, laying a dramatic hand over his heart. “Just a meal ticket?”

“Yep.” Jager deadpans. Arlert snickers.

Lucifer heaves an exaggerated sigh. “Well, at least you’re honest. What’s for dinner?”

Jager tilts his head and thinks for a moment. “Beef stew with a salad and fresh bread.”

“Sounds tasty,” Says Lucifer. He snaps his fingers and the air over the counters warps. Levi gets the same chill down his spine, not as strong, but he still has to force himself not to move. Suddenly, burlap sacks bulging at the seams fade into existence, looking for all the world like they’d been there the entire time. “But you forgot desert. How about some devil’s food cake?”

Jager huffs. “That wasn’t funny the first time.”

“Oh come on, that’s a classic!”

“Whatever you say, Lucy,” Jager waves dismissively, turning to shift through the sacks. He pulls out an assortment of vegetables, all plump and perfectly ripe in his hands. “Now get outta here, I’ve got cooking to do.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave you to it. Save me a plate!”

“Will do.”

“Bye Armin, it was good to see you again! Tell Mikasa I missed her.” Lucifer waves at the cadets before batting at the air to his side. In the wake of his hand, he leaves a jagged tear that grows and spreads until it’s tall enough for him to step through, that same tormented screaming coming from it. Then he steps through and he’s gone, portal closing behind him.

If Levi never had to see that shade of red again it would be too soon.

He shakes himself before turning his attention back to the cadets. Arlert’s joined Jaeger at the counter, searching through more of the sacks. “He was pretty generous this time huh?”

Jaeger nods, standing at the sink. “Yeah, this should keep the Corp. fed for a couple days at least.” 

Their chatter washes over him as Levi watches the two of them prepare a feast. The smell coming from the kitchen makes his mouth water, and he stood there in dumbfounded silence as Jaeger worked. It was like the cadet was in at least three different places at once, simultaneously cooking the food, cleaning the kitchen, and storing away anything he didn’t need. If Levi didn’t know better he’d say Jaeger was using his ODM gear.

When he’d seen enough, (seen all he could handle - the kitchen counters were fucking _sparkling_ again when they’d just been covered in _animal blood_ ) Levi quietly closed the door behind him and headed back to his office, tea forgotten. A few hours of normal, boring paperwork was just what he needed right now. Anything to help him forget the insanity going on in the kitchen.

Almost two hours later, when some cadet was sent to collect him for dinner, he ignored it, sending the dumbass and icy glare when he dared to try and cajole him out of his office. Levi had no interest in rubbing elbows with the rest of the Corp. in the mess hall. Much less eating food that had been made like _that._

Best not to think about it.

So with one final cutting remark, he kicked the uppity cadet out of his office with his tail tucked between his legs. And proceeded to power through the rest of his paperwork. 

On the bright side, Levi was finally going to be ahead of it for once. A miracle if there ever was one.

When he dragged himself out of his office, late into the night, he headed to the kitchen again, determined to actually get his tea this time. Halls deserted, Levi found his way without issue. His eye twitches when the door creaks as he pushes it open. 

He casts a wary glance around. The kitchen was spotless, not a speck of blood in sight, as if there had never been a mess at all. Maybe he’d hallucinated the entire thing. Sounded more likely than whatever the fuck he’d seen earlier. 

He moved to his preferred cupboard, where he kept everything he needed to make himself a pot of tea, but stopped when he saw it. Sitting on the countertop closest was a tray. A bowl, small plate, and his favorite teapot and matching cup were perched innocently on top. Levi frowns.

Cautiously, he pulls off the light cloth covering the dishes. He’s met with a picture-perfect spread of the dinner that was served earlier that evening. He sighs. Well, there went the hallucinations. Might as well suck it up and eat. 

When he picked up the tray to take it back to his quarters, Levi was surprised to find the teapot warm.

He wasn’t sure if he should be amused or creeped out. 

Jaeger was a god damned pain in the ass.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, yeah. Eren made a deal with the devil for food. Hence the black magic. I had fun with this lol.
> 
> Let me know what you think of all this ridiculousness with a comment or some kudos. Then come yell at me on [tumblr](https://delilahnoir.tumblr.com/).


End file.
